Relient K

"You say, I know that this will hurt. But if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. When the burden seems too much to bear, remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

I listened to these lyrics by Relient K today on my drive home from Pontiac and was stunned.
I have been feeling really blah lately. I am really excited about the photography business and seeing Seth's dream come true is amazing. He is so passionate about his art and striving to improve and learning from other photographers and it is so beautiful. And yet, somehow, I still feel a little.....empty.
Everything in life is good, really good. And that's why this song was so powerful today.
Everything is so good that I have gotten complacent and comfortable. My passion and drive for ministry needs to be stoked, so to speak.
My confidence is still shaken from past ministry experience and God is going to have to work through that in me, which I am decently sure will be a lifelong pursuit.
And the thought of God breaking my heart, again, causes my eyes to well up with tears, knowing the difficulty faced in the past, but in comparison to now, I would truly prefer it.
While I worked with the kids on the near north side, I saw them in a different light, from a godly perspective and it drove my passion. My friend James says "Passion is a direct result of perspective." and I think he's exactly right. God broke my heart for those kids.

I was telling Holly the story the other day of how God called me to work with those kids when I truly did not want the job. As I was watching my favorite movie, Ben Hur, God spoke to me as Mary had given birth to Jesus in the barn. He told me I was supposed to care and raise His children in Taft Homes and I told him that I felt like Mary. Mary was the only person on the planet who truly knew Jesus was God's son considering she felt him the womb, she knew how he got there, and I would expect she'd want to treat him like the king she knew he was....and yet, she has no money, no place to give birth, no special receiving blanket or cloth for him. She's got him in the hay wrapped in some old cloth. And I felt that I would have no idea how to connect with inner-city kids who don't have loving and engaged parents, who are surrounded by drugs and sex when I was never close to those environments. And as I was telling God, the wisemen showed up in Bethlehem and it dropped in my heart, "I will provide for MY children. You just need to be there.". Clear as day, I knew, probably felt what Mary felt, relief. Although I don't know how she spent that frankensence, I would bet she bought food and clothing and shelter for her son.
So, in hindsight, having that experience during Ben Hur or the hundreds of other stories I could tell from my days in ministry was worth the pain it took to be in that place. And the pain was intense, believe me. My heart was broken in that place, but God was there.

I don't know that I am ready to pray for that heartache again......

"You say, I know that this will hurt. But if I don't break your heart, things will just get worse. When the burden seems too much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

....but hearing those lyrics causes me to want to be ready.