Traitor

I have been wanting to blog my thoughts about a scene from Traitor. It is a pretty good movie with plenty of enjoyable twists as the story unfolds telling the story of Muslim men who sacrifice their lives as suicide bombers. The main character, Don Cheadle, makes the explosives for the terrorist groups, being a Muslim himself, and sells them to the highest bidder, though he himself will not actually detonate the bombs. It is a journey through his emotions of debating whether or not the Muslim defined "Jihad" was what Allah had in mind.
Anyway, one scene that really jumped out at me was during a "pep talk" before the major bombing where the leader was telling the nervous Muslims that if America claims to have a government "of the people and by the people" then ALL Americans are to blame for the decisions of the country--no one is innocent due to the nature of our democracy.

Which got me thinkin.....

A lot of my friends lately have been upset about the gov't, now that we are coming of age- understanding it a little more and now that we can vote and pay taxes, we appreciate the magnitude of the elected official. And one friend even posted a blog about her tax dollars funding abortions that she feels is wrong. To me this begs the question, at what point are we to blame?
Now, I don't know enough/care enough about politics to get into that but it immediately led my thoughts to church.
It's no secret that I haven't been to a church building in quite awhile and meeting with the church has been sporadic, at best, this past year. And as I look at churches I am mortified. I have walked into churches to look around and see plasma tvs, fancy decor, snazzy printed bulletins....it's like walking into a restaurant. When I walk into a nice restaurant they start bringing me coffee or drinks to my table. Stay, get comfortable, here is our fancy menu, feel free to browse in in our warmly decorated shop and watch your favorite sports team on our big screen in the bar....Why? To get me to stay and spend my time and money. I mean, that's the purpose in a restaurant. Shouldn't walking into church have the exact opposite feel? Don't misunderstand, I LOVE walking into church and pouring a steamy hot cup of coffee and sit down in the cozy environment and hang out. I really enjoy it. But at what point does this become business? And here's the question I have been wrestling for months.....at what point does this ridiculous notion of church become my sin? Because I really think we've missed the point. In the heart of a dreadfully poor community with which I have much familiarity of the sorrows and pitfalls, I am chilling with my coffee and bible. I think we tried to cover up our prideful, selfish desires with honest, humble reasons of reaching the community...and they will want to come if we have this relaxed atmosphere for them to hang out....like a coffee shop. And if I think this has missed the entire point of the life Christ led, is me attending the church just as bad as me being the one to pony up the cash for that new flat screen? If the decision makers' purpose is to bring people in and I come in and stay, is my attendance an agreement with their decisions?
And because of this, I cannot bring myself to attend a church which I enjoyed.

That being said, yesterday we went to play volleyball and our new friend, Dan, joined us. He is a very nice, sarcastic man who has one hell of a jump serve. :) Anyway, he was just telling me that he won't be able to play volleyball because his youth-for-Christ club would be starting soon and he was an adult volunteer. That's it. That's all he said and suddenly, I was hit with what felt like a brick--how much I miss ministry. Because preparing my lessons or visiting one of my kid's at school or going to their band concert or thinking of a fun game to play with extra donated ketchup was when I felt God's pleasure. Those times were the times my relationship with Jesus would flourish. And that feeling from volleyball just sat on me for the next hour or two until we were home, and then I couldn't shake this strange feeling. I was taken back to many memories of my young christian life, particularly one night I spent on the top of this mountain in Colorado when I looked over the city and prayed that I would touch the lives of children. That the lights below would represent my influence on God's people...(hefty prayer request...geez, mar). But I thought, if I was back on that mountain tonight, what would I have to say to God...."well, I think the church sucks, so I gave up." And what if those lights were people I was called to love and influence and as I overlooked the city the lights all shut off due to my un-used influence...all because I was pissed about some stupid tvs.

I guess it put things into perspective for me. I remember being Dan's age and working with kids and having innocence before the flood of my life. Some days, I wish I could just go back to before the flood and do it all over again. Like I could warn me and prepare my little 22 year old self to be stronger and tougher. To let someone help me through instead of waiting until I was too worn out to stand.
But I can't, and I guess yesterday and as I pondered today, I realized that it's time to move forward. I don't want to look back in 10 years and feel like I missed doing that which I was born to do--like I am missing now. I don't know where to begin or how the opportunity will even find me but I know that I can't be bitching about plasmas and decor for it to happen.

So, alas, you will all be able to find me this coming Sunday....coffee in hand...at church.